Welcome to Bonus Lesson 3 of Reignite My Relationship: How To Address Perpetual Problems.

In Bonus Lesson 2: How To Solve Solvable Problems you learned a six step process for solving solvable problems in relationships.

In this lesson you will learn a four step process for how to address perpetual problems in relationships.

Before I discuss this process however, it is important to realize that by their very nature, perpetual problems are difficult for couples to address.

And even if couples are able to address them, perpetual problems may never have a solution that both people are happy with.

Happy, loving and passionate couples understand this. Instead to trying to solve perpetual problems, these couples instead find a way to live together happily despite these inevitable perpetual problems.

Although perpetual problems may not have a solution, they still require discussion.

The following four step process will help many couples have this discussion without getting into unnecessary conflict around these issues.

Step 1: Conduct a “Deconstructing Conflict” Conversation

A key insight about perpetual issues in relationships is that these issues gain their strength from underlying wants, dreams, hopes and desires that either person may have.

For example, a common perpetual problem that many couples face is how to cope with different parenting standards. In these situations, both parents will have deep beliefs about how children should be raised. For many couples this situation may lead to heated and unnecessary conflict.

The first step to address a perpetual problem is to have what I call a “Deconstructing Conflict” conversation.

In many ways this conversation is like the Couples Communication Exercise you learned about in lesson 3.5.The purpose of a Deconstructing Conflict conversation is for each member of the couple to gain a greater appreciation of the underlying wants, dreams, hopes and desires that their partner may have about the issue under discussion.

To begin a Deconstructing Conflict conversation you and your partner will need to set aside at least 30 minutes to talk and listen to each other. Ideally this time will be longer.

The first step of a Deconstructing Conflict conversation is to decide who will take the talking role and who will take the listening role.

The talker will begin by talking for around 15 minutes about how they perceive the perpetual problem. While the talker is talking the listener should use active listening skills to get underneath the surface of what the talker is saying.

This should include questions about what the talker feels about the issue, why they feel that and what past issues or situations the perpetual problem brings up for the talker.

In this process, the role of the listener is to gain a deeper understanding of the talker’s position, without trying to convince him or her of the listener’s position or give any advice.

After about 15 minutes the talker and listener should change roles. In this second phase of a Deconstructing Conflict conversation the person who has done the talking will now seek to understand their partner’s underlying wants, dreams, hopes and desires about the perpetual problem being discussed.

After this second phase of the Deconstructing Conflict conversation has been completed some couples may choose to return to the first phase of the Deconstructing Conflict conversation, and seek to listen to each again again to more fully understand each others perspective.

It is important to understand that the focus of Deconstructing Conflict conversations shook be entirely on understanding your partners position on an issue as deeply as possible, not on trying to solve the issue.

Step 2: Remember the Tension Scale!

As was discussed in lesson 2.3, the Tension Scale is a measure of how stressed or tense you are in any situation.

Staying low on the Tension Scale is vital to ensure you and your partner have effective Deconstructing Conflict conversations.

If you are becoming tense, stressed, frustrated or angry, your partner is likely to either become defensive or shut down. Neither of these strategies help couples have conversations about each other’s underlying wants, dreams, hopes and desires!

If you notice your tension levels rise during a Deconstructing Conflict conversation, take a few minutes to do some self-talk to calm yourself down. Lesson 2.4: Self-Talk includes many useful positive self-talk statements that you can say to yourself.

If positive self-talk does not help you go down the Tension Scale, take a short break or Time-Out to calm down. Continuing the Deconstructing Conflict conversation with your partner will be far more effective when you are calm.

Step 3: Reach A Temporary Compromise

An important distinction between solvable and perpetual problems that while solvable problems can have simple solutions, couples may never reach find a satisfactory solution to a perpetual problem.

Despite this, it is often useful to reach a temporary compromise on how to respond to any perpetual issues that is being discussed.

Couples should only try to find this compromise after they have conducted a Deconstructing Conflict conversation as fully as possible, and hence gained a complete understanding of each others positions about the perpetual problem.

A simple way to find a temporary compromise for a perpetual problem is to brainstorm all possible ways to respond to the perpetual problem. In lesson 5.5: The Shared Decision Making Model you learned how to conduct an effective brainstorm.

Once you and your partner have brainstormed all possible options to respond to the perpetual problem, you will need to narrow these responses down to 2-3 options that you can both agree with.

During this process both you and your partner will need to compromise on what you originally wanted at the start of this process.

Successful couples understand that compromise is an essential part of any happy, loving and passionate relationship.

If one person gets what they want all the time, the other member of the couples doesn't, and the relationship has lost.

Step 4: Acknowledge Progress

Perpetual problems have the power to destroy any relationship.

Learning to discuss these problems together calmly and with respect is an achievement for many couples.

By the very nature of perpetual problems, you and your partner may need to have many Deconstructing Conflict conversations to help address these issues.

Each time you have this conversation successfully it is good to acknowledge this with each other.

This acknowledgement helps create a warm and positive environment around these conversations and makes future Deconstructing Conflict conversations more likely to succeed.

The above four steps are important to help couples address perpetual problems.

Before you move onto the next lesson however, discus the following four questions with your partner:

a) Are we currently good at addressing our perpetual problems? If so, what helps us address these problems? If not, what gets in the way?

b) Which of the four steps discussed in this lesson do we do well? Which of these four steps could we improve upon?

c) Have we addressed any perpetual problems recently? If so, how did we do this? What would we do differently if we had to address this problem again?

d) Is there anything else you’d like to say about this lesson? If so, what is it?

How To Address Perpetual Problems

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