Welcome to Bonus Lesson 2 of Reignite My Relationship: How To Solve “Solvable” Problems.

In lesson 7.4: The True Goal of Relationship Conflict you learned the difference between “solvable” problems and “perpetual” problems in relationships.

To recap on this lesson solvable problems in relationships are relationship problems that are situational. Solvable problems arise due specific circumstances in a relationship. Once this set of circumstances pass, the problem goes away.

In contrast to solvable problems, perpetual problems in relationships are relationships problems that arise due to fundamental differences between a couple. These differences can include differences in a couples personality, values, religious beliefs and lifestyle preferences. These differences between a couple are not likely to change over time.

In this lesson you will learn a simple process for solving “solvable” problems in relationships. In bonus lesson 3 you will learn a process to addressing perpetual problems in relationships.

Let’s begin.

How To Solve Solvable Problems In Relationships

A simple way to solve solvable problems in relationships is to use the following six steps.

Step 1: Ensure Your Problem Is Solvable

In lesson 7.4: The True Goal of Relationship Conflict you learned how to distinguish between solvable problems and perpetual problems. If you are using this process to solve your solvable problem it is important to ensure that your problem is solvable!

Once you have done this you will need to choose a choose a time and place to discuss this issue. Solvable problems are much easier to solve if you have both agreed to talk about the issue and chosen a time and place to discuss the issue.

Step 2: Raise Your Point Of View Gently

In Lesson 5.1: 7 Principles For Having Difficult Conversations you learned about the importance of using “soft start-up” when discussing relationship issues with your partner. As you learned in that lesson, soft start-up is any way of starting a difficult conversations gently.

Some useful ways to ensure that you are using soft start-up is to: • Use “I”statements rather than “you” statements. For example, instead of saying “you never ask me how my day was”, say “I feel unimportant when we don’t talk about my day.” • Avoid blaming your partner for perceived faults. Instead express how these situations affect you. • Be polite! Remember that your relationship is more important than the issue being discussed, and • Stay focused on the issue you want to discuss. Don’t bring up past issues that aren’t relevant to this discussion!

Step 3: Stay Low on the Tension Scale!

As you learned in lesson 2.3, the Tension Scale is a measure of how stressed or tense you are getting in any situation.

Staying low on the Tension Scale is vital to ensure you and your partner negotiate solvable problems well. If you are becoming tense, stressed, frustrated or angry, your partner is likely to either become defensive or shut down. Neither of these strategies help couples discuss issues that need resolution!

If you notice your tension levels rise during a conversation about a solvable issue, take a few minutes to do some self-talk to calm yourself down. Lesson 2.4: Self-Talk includes many useful positive self-talk statements that you can say to yourself.

If positive self-talk does not help you go down the Tension Scale, take a short break or Time-Out to calm down. The conversation with your partner will be far more effective when you are calm.

Step 4: Make Repair Attempts

A repair attempt is any attempt to repair your relationship after a heated argument or discussion.

Some common repair attempts include making your partner a cup or tea, hugging each other or using appropriate humour to defuse conflict.

If you have adhered to Step 3: Stay Low On The Tension Scale well, you should not need to make any repair attempts (as your relationship has not been compromised).

However, if you have had a heated discussion or argument with your partner and there is distance or disconnection between you, it is important to repair this as soon as possible!

Step 5: Seek “Win-Win” Solutions

A simple relationship principle is that during a discussion about difficult topics, both people must happy with the outcome of the discussion in order for the discussion to be successful.

When trying to find a solution to a solvable problem, it is important that both people seek “win-win” solutions to the problem. A simple way to do this is to brainstorm all possible solutions to the problem, as was discussed in lesson 5.5: The Shared Decision Making Model.

Once you and your partner have brainstormed all possible solutions to the problem, you will have to narrow these solutions down to 2-3 solutions that you can both agree with. During this process both people will be likely to need to compromise on what they originally wanted at the start of the negotiation process.

Successful couples understand that compromise is an essential part of any happy, loving and passionate relationship.

If one person gets what they want all the time, the other member of the couples doesn't, and the relationship has lost.

Step 6: Be Tolerant

The final step to solving solvable problems is to be tolerant to each others perceived faults.

No partner is perfect in any relationship. Couples who try to change each other or make their partner want, think or act exactly like they do are doomed to failure.

Instead of focusing on your partners perceived shortcomings, it is far more effective to simply accept your partner for who he or she is.

Communicating this acceptance, either verbally or non-verbally is important in solving solvable problems-as if your partner feels not accepted (or judged) he or she will be much less likely to compromise or come to a solution to a solvable problem.

The above six principles are important to help couples solve solvable problems.

Before you move onto the next lesson however, discus the following four questions with your partner:

a) Are we currently good at solving our solvable problems? If so, what helps us solve these problems? If not, what gets in the way?

b) Which of the six steps discussed in this lesson do we do well? Which of these six steps could we improve upon?

c) Have we solved any solvable problems recently? If so, how did we do this? What would we do differently if we could do this again?

d) Is there anything else you’d like to say about this lesson? If so, what is it?

How To Solve Solvable Problems

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