We've all been there.
You're arguing with your partner about something minor, and it quickly escalates into a full-blown fight. Before you know it, you're yelling at each other and saying or doing things you can't take back.
But what if there was a way to avoid all that?
What if there was a way to stop arguments from getting out of control?
What if there was a way to stop arguments from getting out of control?
In today's relationship tip, you will learn:
- what self talk is
- the two types of self talk, and
- how to use positive self talk to deescalate conflict!
Let's begin!
What is Self Talk?
Self talk is the inner voice that you have in your mind.
For instance, right now you may be thinking something like, "This sounds interesting!" or "I don't know what you are talking about!".
These thoughts are examples of self talk.
Self-talk is the inner voice that you have in your mind.
Self talk is like a commentator that gives a play-by-play description of every event in your life.
Most of the time, this inner commentary occurs without you being aware of it. However, these thoughts do affect you.
To understand self talk, it is helpful to divide self talk into two categories, namely:
- Negative self talk and
- Positive self talk.
Let's start by discussing negative self talk.
What Is Negative Self Talk?
Negative self talk is the critical, judgmental, and pessimistic voice in your head.
Common examples of negative self-talk during an argument include:
- "You are being stupid!"
- "I can't stand this!"
- "If you say that one more time, I'll leave!"
- "Here we go again", and
- "This isn't right!"
Negative self talk is the critical, judgmental, and pessimistic voice in your head.
There are many, many other examples of negative self-talk!
Now that you understand what negative self talk is let's look at positive self talk.
What is Positive Self Talk?
Positive self talk is the supportive, calming, and positive voice in your head.
Examples of positive self-talk during an argument include:
- "I need to take a few deep breaths."
- "I don't need to react to this"
- "I need to think about the consequences of my actions"
- "I can handle this", and
- "I don't have to buy into this"
Positive self talk is the supportive, calming, and positive voice in your head.
There are many other examples of positive self talk.
Changing your negative self talk to positive self talk is the key to deescalating arguments before they get too heated.
Using positive self-talk to stay calm during an argument is a better option than taking Time-Out (which can leave your partner annoyed, disappointed and frustrated!)
How to use positive self talk to deescalate conflict!
As you have learned:
- Negative self talk is the inner voice that is critical, judgmental and pessimistic.
- Positive self talk is the inner voice that is supportive, calming and positive.
At this point, however, you may want to know how to change negative self talk to positive self talk.
Luckily, there are two simple keys to changing negative self talk to positive self talk. These keys are:
Key 1: Awareness
To change negative self talk to positive self talk you need to be aware that you are engaging in negative self-talk.
To do this, it is best to use the Tension Scale. If you are going up the Tension Scale, you are engaging in negative self-talk.
To change negative self talk to positive self talk you need to be aware that you are engaging in negative self-talk.
For example, think about a recent time that you were arguing with your partner.
During this argument, your heart may have been beating faster. Your body may have been feeling hot. And almost certainly, negative self talk will have taken you up the Tension Scale.
As you go up the Tension Scale, it is vital that you become aware of this negative self talk.
As you go up the Tension Scale, it is vital that you become aware of this negative self talk.
Once you are aware of this negative self talk then you can choose your thinking.
You could think, for example, "Do I want to keep using negative self talk to escalate the argument or do I want to use positive self talk to calm the situation down?".
If you want to calm the situation down, then (with practice) you can choose appropriate positive self-talk to help you do this, such as by thinking:
- "I don't need to react to this"
- "I need to stay calm" or
- "If I get angry, there will be consequences."
Key 2: Practice
The second key to changing negative self talk to positive self talk is practice.
While changing negative self talk to positive self talk is simple in theory, like any skill, it takes practice.
The more you practice changing negative self talk to positive self talk, the better you will get at being able to control your anger in any situation.
The more you practice changing negative self talk to positive self talk, the better you will get at being able to control your anger in any situation.
Conclusion
In today's relationship tip, you have learned:
- what self talk is
-the two types of self talk, and
-how to use positive self talk to deescalate conflict!
OK. That's all for today!
For more tips on creating a happier, more loving and passionate relationship, book relationship coaching with me, or enrol in my powerful online course, Reignite My Relationship.
I look forward to helping you create a happy, loving and passionate relationship!
